Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
