Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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