I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
