I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
