And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
