I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
