I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Randomize
