It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
