The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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