True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
