Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
