I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
