You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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