Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My life is pants optional.
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