We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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