Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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