Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
