Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I deserve this hangover.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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