Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
