He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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