So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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