The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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