Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
