The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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