he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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