He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you win again, gameday.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
