his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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