I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
