Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
