I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
