Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
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