My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Randomize
