I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
