She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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