I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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