We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
