Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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