May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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