Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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