i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
