Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
