Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
