When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
