our cab driver is having phone sex.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
