hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
