McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
