I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
