I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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