I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
