I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
