I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
