i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
