Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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